Business travel is the pits
Flying along, listening to a screaming baby for the 3rd hour straight, I decided that air travel is really one of the single most annoying things in modern day business life. The problem is there’s really no good place to sit as a business traveler. In fact, it’s one of the most painful experiences you’ll go through if you’re anything like me.
I just can’t take it anymore. And now, on top of all of it, I can’t even joke about it anymore.
There’s not a single location on the plane that allows a weary traveler relief from the crazy people who fly. Here are the pros and cons of each seat location:
Click to enlarge
United Boeing 757 Seating Chart
Aisle seats (C & D):
- Pros: You get easy access to the bathroom and a little more room with your arms.
- Cons: Enjoy as the people in your row do acrobatics over you to get back in their seats after using the restroom. Also, have fun when the incompetant stewards smash their carts into your elbows.
- Worst experience: I ended up sitting next to a really crazy guy who wouldn’t shut up about the wireless company he worked for. Then he whips out soup on the plane. No kidding, soup! In tupperware. I warn him not to spill his soup on me. Half way through the flight what did he do? He spilled soup all over himself, me, the floor, his laptop and it started draining down towards the back of the plane. The entire plane smelled like soup. Ugh. Soup.
Window seat (A & F):
- Pros: You get to see what’s going on, and of course you can put your head against the window and get some vaguely good sleep.
- Cons: If you have to use the restroom you’ll have to get over the behemoth next to you and the old woman who can barely stand on her own.
- Worst experience: I was sitting in the corner and next to me was this woman and next to her was her little girl. The girl was fussing and the woman was vaguely appoligetic. Eventually she decided to switch seats with her abnoxious kid. Why, I’ll never know. Then the kid laid down on her side and proceeded to kick me for the remainder of the four hour flight. Kick. Kick. Kick.
Center seats (B & E):
- Pros: I’m not immediately aware of any major pros, unless you happen to inadvertantly be booked on a flight with the Swedish bikini team.
- Cons: Substitute the Swedish bikini team with two insanely overweight and unbathed sisters who happen to be very talkative but don’t want to switch seats to be closer together.
- Worst experience: I was on a cross country flight and the guy in the window seat wanted to get up, but did so rather suddenly and managed to splash fruit cocktail all over my crotch.
Front seats (9-15):
- Pros: You get off the plane first.
- Cons: You board last.
- Worst experience: Because I was essentially the last person on the plane I had to check my bag, only after going up and down the plane before realizing there wasn’t a single place to fit my bag. Then I had to wait with my bag in the aisle for about 10 minutes until they got someone from maintence to come and grab it, making me look like a total moron.
Back seats (27-34):
- Pros: You board first and you don’t have to check your bag.
- Cons: You have to wait untill every single dumbass gets their slow ass off the plane.
- Worst experience: I got the seat in the very back once and somehow the toilet got clogged by one of the hippos they let on the plane. Let’s just say the smell was something that could bring tears to your eyes.
You’d think first class was the place to be, but even there I managed to sit behind a crazy woman who lost her watch and wanted to strip search the whole plane because she couldn’t find it. Of course I was immediately behind her so she suspected me the most.
You’d think getting to your destination early would be better, but that assumes the gate is clear. If it isn’t you could end up sitting on the tarmac for an hour waiting. At least in the air you can use the toilet, but not when you’re on the ground. Cuz… that would be dangerous, or something.
Then there’s Southwest Airlines who manages to up the bad airline experience even more by making passengers sit backwards and look at the shmucks facing the other way for hours.
Next time I’m walking.